Out of Practice

Almost 4.5 years ago, I reluctantly put my first baby in the hands of a surgeon that I had only met a few times. At the time Ella was only 4 months old and too tiny to know what was going on. As first time parents, things happened so quickly in her first year of life (two major surgeries & a ton of doctor appointments) that we barely had the time to think of the danger she was undergoing.

Tomorrow I will have to watch my second baby be rolled down the long hallway. Will was born with an undescended testicle and tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. will go under the knife to see exactly what that means. Back in May we had an ultrasound that indicated that the testicle was there, but it had not dropped on it’s own. Since then we met the surgeon who will perform the procedure, who indicated that ultrasounds can’t be trusted. That means that we are facing three scenarios; 1) the testicle is not there at all, 2) the testicle is there, but not “good” or 3) the testicle is there and good, which means that it most likely didn’t descend due to a lack of blood flow. While I’d like Will to have two testicles, especially through his teen years, option #3 involves re-routing of veins/arteries, so I’m not quite on board with that scenario yet.

I am the person who is frequently heard saying, “Don’t worry. Everything is going to be fantastic! There’s no sense of worrying, it doesn’t change the outcome.” Typically I can handle these types of situations. This time feels different though.

I don’t know if it’s simply the fact that I’m out of practice (4.5 years is a long time) or if it’s because I’m older & wiser, but I have been feeling very anxious with the thoughts of these upcoming surgeries.

I know that everything will work out fine and he is in fantastic hands, but that doesn’t remove the risk of anesthetics. It also doesn’t address his recovery time and trying to keep him immobile, all while he’s on the move 24/7, learning to walk. It doesn’t factor in how hard it is to see your baby hurting and crying out in pain.

On the bright side, Will’s surgery can get me back in the game and prepped for Ella’s next surgery in August. It also helps Ella see that she’s not the only one who has to endures these unfortunate circumstances.