Today I received a text from my sister-in-law. It was a picture of my niece Paige and it looked like it hurt. She had fallen on the playground at school. She was battered, bumped and bruised. Paige was the first baby to enter my life, she made me an aunt (well her parents did but lets not get into that) and will always hold a special place in my heart. It broke my heart to see her in such pain.

At the same time, it also put things into perspective for me. When Ella was born we fretted about the inevitable surgeries she would face to repair her cleft and we worried about the scarring, both emotionally and physically. Taking a step back – those surgeries and scars may have happened even if she wasn’t born with a cleft (the scenario is very likely if you know Ella).

Kids will be kids. They run. They fall. They cry. They scar. It’s impossible to keep them safe all the time. As we contemplate another surgery I will think of today and remember that if it wasn’t this – it would be something else. One thing you can predict about kids, they will always be unpredictable.

I hope Paige doesn’t experience any long lasting scars from todays debacle. I hope she will return to school tomorrow and all of her friends will comfort her and she will know it’s okay to go back out and run again. Most likely she will fall again, but the important part is to get back up. Every. Single. Time.

If not, she will always be a beautiful little girl to me and I have a ballerina Barbie going out in the mail tomorrow as bribery Love you Paige!

This past weekend Joe and I went to Las Vegas for a few days to celebrate our bachelor/bachelorette parties with friends, so we left Ella with Grandma & Grandpa for a bit. Whenever we are away from her for even a day it becomes very apparent that she is growing up right before our eyes.

Tonights conversation on the way home from daycare is a perfect example. It went something like this:
(Saw a lawn ornament in someone’s yard by daycare)
Ella: why that not in my yard?
Mom: because you don’t live there?
E: why?
M: because you live with mommy & daddy.
E: I not want to live with mommy & daddy.
M: that’s not very nice. who will take care of you? who is going to feed you, bath you, change your diapers, etc?
E: Mac (our cat)
M: well we have a problem then because Mac can’t open the fridge.
E: I open the fridge all by myself.
M: you have a point. who will change your diapers?
E: I will.
M: who will make your meals?
E: I put chicken nuggets in the oven.
M: why don’t you want to live with mommy & daddy?
E: cause I not need you!
M: ouch

On November 26th Ella will be 3 years old.

When we found out we were expecting our first baby – a girl to be born with a cleft lip and palate, we were terrified and began to prepare for the worst. Then Ella came and she was amazing. She was so beautiful, resilient and stronger than we could ever imagine.

Our first surgery to repair her lip was easy, as easy as handing over your 4 month old can be, but we didn’t have any real issues with feeding or restraining her from touching her face. Our second surgery to repair her palate was pretty hard, but when looking at all the issues most cleft kids face, we felt blessed.

We didn’t have weight gain issues. No hearing loss. Speech for the most part, was on track. Learning was never an issue, she was too smart for her own good and she definitely didn’t have issues with projecting sound! We were defying all the things that most parents forewarn you about. How lucky!

Shortly after Ella was born, Joe’s aunt Bonnie was kind enough to have her friend Lori send us a letter about her daughter Myah’s journey. She too, was born with a cleft lip and palate and was really the only child/parent resource that we had at that time. She wrote about all of Myah’s surgeries and what they experienced and for the most she made me feel like everything was going to be fine. However, she also said that when Myah was 3 years old (middle photo) she started to say she didn’t like her “puffy lip.” I remember feeling terribly sad when I read that. How can a 3 year old know what vanity is? How can they be self-conscious at such a young age?

I haven’t seen that letter in over two years. Why would I need it? That would never happen to us. We defy odds. Ella is very confident. In fact, every morning after she is dressed she looks in the mirror, spins and says, “I bootiful.”

Until now. Tonight while putting Ella to bed I noticed she was pulling on her lip. I asked if something was bothering her and she replied, “It won’t come off.” I didn’t know what she meant so I asked once more. Again, she pulled on the extra flap of skin on her lip, an imperfection from her lip repair, and said “I don’t like it on my lip.”

Joe and I have been debating on when it’s the right time to have another surgery for quite some time, so I asked if she wanted mommy & daddy to fix it and she said, “Yeah. And my silly nose too.”

Worst. Feeling. Ever. I could have never been prepared for something like this. I couldn’t believe Lori’s story that Myah was noticing things at such a young age and yet, here we are.

Is Ella’s cleft noticeable? Yes, of course! It’s hard for Joe and I to see it, because we only see our beautiful little girl, but we know it’s more obvious for other non-biased parties.

On one hand this makes our surgery decision much easier, but on the other hand it all goes back to my theory that you can try to raise your kids the best you can, but parenting is hard and there are no guarantees!

Life is busy, but more importantly it’s short and unfortunately sometimes I fall victim to just going with the flow and forgetting about what really matters.

This past Friday Ella decided she wanted to spend a week with Grandma and Grandpa and set off for a fun-filled vacation…leaving us in the dust. At first I thought it was a great opportunity for Joe and I to get stuff done; we have a lot of household projects to be completed, a wedding to be planned and it would be kind of nice to remember what a social life together is like – which is why we agreed to ship her off.

The first couple of days were fine. We kept busy by hitting up a good ‘ole Wisconsin fish fry and then followed it with date night the next day. It was so nice to do things together and not have to worry about the logistics of lining up a babysitter.

Then Monday came, which is when we usually settle into our normal routine, and Ella’s absence became glaringly obvious. We had no alarm clock to wake us up by screaming “Mom come get me” at the top of her lungs, we had all these tiny clothes but no one to wrestle them onto and we were both able to shower and still get to work on time. Nice, right?

Wrong. Turns out I hated not having Ella here to argue with in the morning. I have actually become extremely skilled in putting her hair up while moving around the entire house and I kind of like being late to work (the showering was nice though).

Here’s the deal – sometimes handling Ella everyday is challenging and I get frustrated with her, but that’s what makes it so much more rewarding. After not having her for a week I am reminded that being Ella’s mom truly is the best.job.ever!

<—So happy to have my family back again.

co·nun·drum/kəˈnəndrəm/Noun
A confusing and difficult problem or question.

Don’t get me wrong, we love our surgeon and think he has done an amazing job on Ella’s repair.
[BEFORE                                    |                                    AFTER]